Her Book of Regrets
by GothicXHeartz
Summary: They were no longer two lovers or a couple madly in love. He was just someone she used to know. He was no longer hers just as she was no longer his. And she could only watch as he walked away, out of her life.
1. I

Silence occupied the space between us while the noisy chatter of voices enveloped us. He gripped the handle of his black Samsonite luggage firmly and eyed me wordlessly. As usual, no emotion slipped past his mask but this time, I could no longer tell how he was actually feeling.

Everything about him could be labelled as perfection. He was a up-and-coming young boss at the young age of 24 and the population of Japan knew him as "one of the most desirable men ever". His raven black hair was brushed away casually from his face but the way he pulled it off made it look flawless. His semi-crumpled black polo shirt did nothing to hide the tell-tale abs and muscles. Even then, she could see a small crowd of his admirers gathered at the side, waiting impatiently for their silent conversation to end. His crimson eyes bore holes into her as she continued to take him in mutely.

No words were exchanged, only occasional glances at each other before one of them (so far it had mostly been her) looking away. She could sense the overwhelming pressure coming from just his stare. Their relationship had after all been not about words, but also about such actions. She knew that no matter what she did or what he did, he was going to be the one walking away from this life. And both of them knew she was the only one hanging on to the sinking ship.

"Let's get this over with, shall we?" Mikan voiced out impassively, she was beginning to sound a lot like Hotaru but she shrugged it off. It was necessary for this particular case and she had nothing to be sorry about.

"Indeed." He replied curtly. He had went back to his old habit of using one-words in his dialogue.

"Well, it is nearly time for you to check-in for departure." She retorted as she looked at him questioningly. "And for you to entertain your fan-girls."

"No one will be entertained today." He growled, ignoring his fangirls behind him. He was just too popular, even as a kid or an adult.

"Well," she went on, "I guess this is it. Thank you for these years and everything you've done for me. Good luck for the years to come for a successful business empire. I wish you happiness when you find that special girl." She knew the smile etched on her face was extremely fake but it was better than nothing.

"Goodbye, Natsume Hyuuga." She murmured, stretching her hand out for him to shake. It was for the old times, right?

"And to you too, Mikan Sakura." He mused, surprisingly reaching his hand out to shake. His palm was rough and familiar, but she did not know this person. He was no longer "Nat-chan" or "Natsu-kun" or was she "Mi-mi" or "Polka". He was Natsume Hyuuga, the famous CEO of the powerful Hyuuga business empire and she was just Mikan Sakura, a psychologist some may know. And this was their farewell that had been brought by their difference in social statuses.

He let go after a few seconds and glanced at her momentarily. She as a psychologist prided herself in being able to read most of her friends but the person in front of her was an unreadable stranger she used to know very well. Also one that was untouchable. He had always been a special case.

And just like she had predicted and expected, he swaggered off confidently towards the Departure Hall while she could only stand rooted to the spot watching as he walked away.

 _No tears were shed._

 _No memories were recounted._

 _No numbers were exchanged._

 _No hugs or kisses given._

They were no longer two lovers or a couple madly in love. He was just someone she used to know. Natsume was no longer hers just as she was no longer his. Natsume was for that rich girl to conquer. They were people who had already gave up on each other and there was no turning back.

And all she had to do was walk away from him too. Which she did. Slowly but surely. Every step she took was as painful as their break-up, each and every word he had uttered.

Regrets were permanent but forgivable just like how it was forgettable. He was gone on the aeroplane and she would return to her humble apartment. This regret was one that was etched on her mind but she would hide it in one of her deep dark corners. Nothing could not be overcame. But this was something she could not overcome. But he was gone and there was nothing she could do.

She could just picture Hotaru reiterating the words she never wanted to hear.

 _"You blew your chance, Mikan."_

Indeed, she did. And her chance was gone in the wind and never to come back. Natsume Hyuuga had chosen their relationship and her for his career and was never to come back from New York. Mikan hoped he found someone who could make him whole as a person and someone who could finally see through his façade.

But at the same time, when he disappeared with any trace of him gone, Mikan felt a heavy weight on her shoulders. He was gone but always would be there to haunt and torment her and there was nothing she could do about it.

Why did it seem like she was the only one who ever cared about this relationship? Was it genuinely true that the one who cared the most would always lose out?

If that was the case, she lost big time.

 _Maybe if she had told him how she felt, he would have actually stayed._

 _Maybe if she had been more patient when he was building his career, he would have cared._

 _Maybe if she had been more stubborn, he would have listened._

 _Maybe if she was more helpful, he would have been grateful._

Nothing mattered at this point to her. She was just a fragement of his memory in the near future while he was a permanent tattoo imprinted into her book of regrets.

 _This was Mikan Sakura's biggest regret._

* * *

Hey guys,

I'm back. This story, I hope won't turn out to be one with many cliches. All the characters are not mine - **they are Higuichi Tachibana's.** I'm not sure if this is a story people genuinely would want to read. I can't gurantee this will be recieving frequent updates but I will try my best. I appreciate any reviews and critique. If you any questions, feel free to ask them, I do know my writing can be confusing.

-GothicXHeartz


	2. II

GUYS,

5 reviews and 9 follows?! I couldn't be more thankful. I did not expect that at all because that chapter was filled with angst and such depression. I feel bad about Mikan and Natsume because they belong with each other! I'm such a bad author. I hope you stick around because this is not a one-shot! You can read it as a one-shot if you are too lazy to read on because it's going to be one hell of a depressing ride. **Critique and reviews are greatly appreciate** d because reading your reviews are interesting. (I sound weird, sorry.) I can see all of you have been greatly… unsettled by how tragic the chapter was. Anyway, this chapter is mainly about Hotaru and Mikan's friendship because they were the reason why I fell in love with Gakuen Alice. Enjoy!

* * *

That day may have been the worst, but the next few years weren't exactly going to be any easier either.

She bottled the regret up and hoped it would be go unnoticed by her friends during lunch but knowing them, they probably saw through it all but didn't want to remind her of it. But, Hotaru Imai, her best friend, had bluntly told her the words she didn't need to hear. But they were the words she had to hear for her to at least get back up and resume her life.

 _"Mikan Sakura, he chose his career over you. You deserve better than an asshole like him. If you're going to be wasting your tears over someone like him, you're dumber than usual. He isn't going to come back for you and tell you he loves you. Wasn't that obvious yesterday? Why are you there pretending you don't care at all? You cared the most in that relationship. Please don't show us that fake smile of yours. If you need to, I'm lending you this shoulder to cry on. I even brought Howalons. But, interest will be charged, as per usual."_ She had commanded, those blunt and harsh words coming out smoothly of her mouth in her usual apathetic tone of hers. But we had been best friends since we were 3, I knew her like the back of my hand and I could interpret her with ease just like how she saw through the fake smiles I had been plastering across my face the past day. It had not been easy at all.

But when she had told me those words, the mask had come apart, like the truth had ripped it apart and unravelled the face beneath it all, damaged and depressed. It had been hard to keep with the smiles but the words had so easily removed it all it was so pathetic. But it was Hotaru, so what could you expect? Hotaru sighed, before gently sitting down on the leather couch next to me. She eased my head onto her shoulder and looked out of the window uninterested.

"Go on, idiot. Cry like you've never been. Cry so you can remove those fake smiles and replace it with the smiles we all know and love. I went through all this trouble for you so you are listening to me. We as people are made to be damaged, breakable and fragile just like we are to be fixable. So go on, my shoulder is here for you." Hotaru instructed quietly as she handed me some Howalons and a box of tissues.

Hotaru had been through my life with me just as I had been through with hers. She knew what to say and always was there for me. That night, I cried like I had when I had when I found out that Grandpa had terminal cancer. At that moment, I was just a girl who had her heart ripped to shreds then trampled on in the midst of this world and Hotaru was just the best friend you could count on as she had always been throughout these years as I cried and she listened. I was reminded of the times of when I had laughed so innocently while Hotaru had stared upon me like I was insane when we were young. She knew and I didn't. I was just a naïve child who had not been tainted of the darkness of this society and the expectations that I could not reach. I who had not known of the barriers that divided us for such trifle things - they were deemed to be large by society and were a rule that was mostly unbreakable.

When Natsume and I were together, we felt like nothing could bring us down. I made him whole just like he did to me. Every day we had together was one that involved sassy retorts, teasing and most importantly, simple actions that never ceased the foolish smile I had imprinted on my face.

But we both knew it was a love filled with lust and foolishness of our ignorance and we were bound to fall apart as society had dictated us to be. I was just a girl who was unwanted while he was a boy who had everything and didn't need the things I clung on to so desperately. And today he had expressed that I was among the many he didn't need. He was unique and I was ordinary. I was poor and he was wealthy. He had everything and I had some.

I wept on Hotaru's shoulders that had supported the weight of my tears and agony these years. She peered out of the window to stare thoughtfully at the sky while I proceeded to munch on the Howalons. I didn't bother attempting making my unceremonious sniffles and sobbing be unheard. We both knew I failed miserably at it. Hotaru had always been unfazed by such things she had deemed unnecessary, one prime example was showing emotions. But being her best friend since forever, the mask she wore was simply something I was accustomed to. She was Hotaru Imai, CEO of Imai Technology Inc. and I as a feminist, was proud of her overcoming those gender barriers.

Today, I had learnt some important things. Love was basically a book you were addicted to but it was basically trying to kill you emotionally and mentally with its heart breaking conclusion, thus leading to your death physically. Because you were an idiot who clung to the book desperately like it was your lifeline. And I was a fool to think this fairy tale could have lasted till my deathbed.

Hotaru would be proud on how great that analysis was. Probably not. And also that no matter what anyone said, I was still not over him. Not now, not tomorrow and not at all. He was part of the past I hated so much and I wanted to forget him, I really did. But the moments when I was the happiest with him made me whole as a person and had shaped me into who I am right now. Today would shape me into the person I was as a future and today would be the shadow of who I was to become. Someone who had been so hurt, shattered and damaged.

"When you cry, you sound like you have constipation." Hotaru stated abruptly, interrupting my thoughts as she observed me with those purple eyes I had come to adore. She had the most unique eye colour – other than his, but it wasn't to come as a surprise as they were cousins. With that same poker-face and uninterested tone, they could have passed off as siblings. Unfortunately, Hotaru had always disliked him but I'm pretty sure she hates his guts now. After all these years, she had finally changed her style. Her hair instead of a short bob, was now until her shoulders, making her look extremely elegant and chic. She wore makeup too, but only eyeliner, lipstick and mascara. Her skin was practically flawless, even after all those nights staying up to do work, so she had no need for foundation and concealer.

"Hotaru! I love you too! And you know they aren't that bad!" I cooed gently, teasing her ever so slightly as I hugged her tightly. I could just picture Hotaru rolling her eyes at her window.

"And since I simply adore your money more, I'll send you the bill tomorrow."

"B- But!"

"If you cry after this, the bill will be doubled." With that, the only sounds that echoed through the house was the consistent clicking of her suede heels and the sound of the door slowly closing.

I leaned back into the softness of the couch and grabbed the box of Howalons. When life and relationships aren't the best, the only thing that wouldn't fail you is food. I gripped the pillow next to me. No matter what anyone says, even myself, I will get over that men. He won't even come back to torment me so I know I can live life to the fullest without him and I will. Just so long as I don't see his sorry face again.

I looked at the picture conveniently placed near my TV. As I walked towards it and picked it up, I realised it was a picture of me and Hotaru as kids. I was smiling amicably as Hotaru next to me glanced at the camera with a hint of boredom, the familiar look that screamed "Look, I really don't want to be here." I remember clearly when it was taken. It was the time when her parents told her when she had a brother – one that she had never seen before. It was probably one of the hardest times of Hotaru's life. I collapsed back into the couch, as realisation hit me painfully.

All these years while she had been there for me, there was never any time I remember when I had been there to relieve Hotaru her pain.

 ** _This was another regret Mikan Sakura had._**


End file.
